The Auction by Heather Lynn
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The Auction

[Just a disclaimer...there is an obvious play on the name of a very well-known real person here and I want to stress that nothing further is meant to be any kind of reference to the actual man and his family... And, yes, characters belong to Tatsunoko, yadda, yadda, yadda.]

(Ken, Ryu, Jinpei and Joe are hanging out in the team's lounge at G-Town. Jun walks in, a piece of paper in her hand. She is grinning wickedly.)

Jun: Brace yourselves, boys. Nambu's figured out who keeps sending him cow jokes by anonymous email, and he's found a way to get you back. You've been slated to do a little good PR work for the ISO - by participating in a Charity Bachelor's Auction this weekend.

Ken: You're not serious.

Jinpei: Me too?

Jun: Sorry, Jinpei, no. You've got to be older than 16 to participate in this.

Ryu: full uniform, I hope?

Joe: This is the most incredibly brainless, moronic, stupid idea ever...... do we get a share of the take?

Jun: Make the ISO proud, guys!

Three Days Later...

Auctioneer: And now ladies, the event you've all been waiting for. I give you... the men of the Kaguka Ninjatai!

(Loud applause.)

Auctioneer: First up, Mimikuzu Ryu - the Great Horned Owl, talented pilot of Ninjatai's warship! Welcome Owl Ryu!

(In full birdstyle, the Owl strides powerfully down the catwalk. Reaching the end, he leaps off, and lands with a resounding bang next to one of the tables. With his left hand, he hoists up a chair upon which sits a society matron, and walks around the table, chair and its occupant held high. He sets the chair back down in its original place. Dropping to one knee, he kisses the society matron's hand, then turns and jumps back on the catwalk, where he stands, hands on hips.)

Auctioneer: Ladies, let's start the bidding at a thousand dollars, shall we?

(Screaming begins. Ryu grins and pumps his fist in the air.)


Auctioneer: Next I give you the Gatchaman Commander, the White Shadow that Slips Unseen; Owashio no Ken - the Great Eagle!

(An expectant silence falls, broken finally by a haunting whistle. From the rafters a white blur swoops down to land in a predatory crouch on the auctioneer's podium. The auctioneer jumps back, startled, as the figure immediately springs up, summersaults in the air, and cartwheels gracefully to a stop at the end of the catwalk, sinking into classic ninja pose. Rising a moment later, he launches his shining boomerang towards the ceiling. It arcs out, up, and down, heading directly for the front table. The guests rear back, but the boomerang merely clips the massive flower arrangement in the center,
sending a shower of roses to land in the lap of a dark-haired young lady seated there. She lifts one to her lips and blushes. The Eagle winks, bows, and executes a series of complicated backflips to end up beside the auctioneer's podium, where he remains, arms folded in front of him)

(Before the Auctioneer can announce an opening bid, several female voices shout out.)

First Woman: Fifteen hundred!

Second Woman: Back off, you wench! Two thousand!

Third Woman: FIVE THOUSAND!!

(Ken smiles, cocks his finger like a gun and points to Ryu offstage.)


Auctioneer: Now ladies, last but not least, I give you the deadly marksman of the Kagaku Ninjatai, Kondoru no Joe!

(A thumping disco beat fills the air. Smoke swirls from under the curtain, which parts to reveal the G2. With exquisite slowness, the car glides to the end of the catwalk and stops. The hatch eases open. The Condor erupts from the car, flips once, and lands on the hood, wings swirling around him. His face cannot be seen through his visor.)

(Gyrating to the obnoxious disco beat, he strips off his gloves.)

Ken: The rules specifically say that he's not allowed to do that.

Ryu: You read the rules?

(As expected, pandemonium erupts. But the Condor isn't finished. Off come his wings, boots, and then he unzipps and pulls off his suit in one fluid motion. Underneath he is wearing a pair of brown and indigo boxer shorts, and nothing else.)

Ken: I really don't want to see this.

Ryu: He musta practiced that.

(The Condor struts back and forth for a bit, to the wild shrieks of the audience and then plants his feet and faces away from the crowd. The words "Kiss My Ass, Katse!" are written in large white letters across the back of his shorts. His hands grasp his helmet, rip it off, and toss it in the cockpit of the car. The Condor whirls around as the shrieks and screams increase.)

Ken: Oh shit.

Ryu: Oh shit is right. He's gonna get a higher bid than both of us put together.

(Fortunately, the Condor had the foresight to put a zorro-style mask on under his Birdstyle. It obscures most of his features, but not his leering grin. He poses, flexes his muscles, then gestures to the audience as if to say 'come and get me girls!'

Rushing the stage, they do.)



Ryu: Ha! I don't think Nambu is ever going to suggest this again.

Ken: Damn straight. No more PR work for the KNT. That'll teach him.

Jun: Did the ISO have to pay for the damage?

Ken: Not really. Joe made so much money for the charity that they gladly covered everything.

Ryu: I've never seen women get that crazy.

Ken: Live and learn, Ryu.

Jun: So who bought you anyway?

Ryu: Um, well, have you ever heard of Gill Bates?

Jun: The software giant?

Ryu: Yeah. His wife bought me. His gorgeous but very predatory-looking wife bought me. I have to cook her a private dinner on their sailboat, and then cruise the harbour. I swear I saw fangs when she came up to me after the show.

Ken: Is that who that was? You've got to be kidding!

Ryu: No, why?

Ken: Gill Bates has a 14 year old daughter with an unlimited allowance. SHE bought ME. I've got to take her and her friends to the hottest club in town. A dance club. In birdstyle. With teeny-boppers.

Jun: Have fun, boys. Remember it's all for a good cause.

Ken: Yeah, right. Like saving the world on a regular basis isn't enough.

Jinpei: I wanna know who bought Joe!

Ken: Well, that's a good story. Once the crowd control officers got most of the women back in their seats, a bidding war broke out. What with all the screaming and the hair-pulling, the auctioneer couldn't hear anyone's bid. And then this tall blonde in this funky purple suit stepped onto the stage, walked right up to the auctioneer, took the mike out of his hands, and announced "The bidding is now closed". The auctioneer started to freak, until she whispered something in his ear. You could practically see the dollar signs dancing in his eyes.

Ryu: Yeah, he just kept repeating, 'Yes, the bidding is most definitely closed' and kinda staggered off stage.

Ken: So the blond sort of sashays back to the G2, gathers up Joe's suit and wings, and settles herself in the passenger seat. Joe gives us a thumbs up and jumps in beside her, pulls a 180, and roars out backstage.

Ryu: And you know? We haven't seen him since!

The end?

- Heather (should I really be putting myy name to this?) ;)

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