WITH APOLOGIES TO MONTY PYTHON
(And people who hate in-jokes)
SCENE: A round table in the Sails pavilion of the San Diego Convention Center, during Comic Con. JAMES, a collector of Tatsunoko merchandise, opens a large box of Gatchaman goods he wants to sell, while the rest of the FANS, clad in GatchaCon t-shirts, cluster around. The neighboring table is filled by a group of KLINGONS in full battle armor.
JAMES: Here's the extra Tatsunoko stuff I have for sale.
FAN #2 Cool!
FAN #1: What kind of Gatchaman stuff have you got?
JAMES: Well, there's the Gatchaman bird signal t-shirt; the Gatchaman t-shirt with the G-emblem; the G-emblem and Ken; wireframe globe design and Ken; the Star-Wars ripoff poster with Ken; Gatchaman Fighter poster of Ken and his sword; telephone cards of Ken; antique tin toy of Ken, Ken watering can, Ken piggy bank, Ken plush toy Ken cell phone strap and Ken....
KLINGONS (starting to chant): Ken Ken Ken Ken...
JAMES: ...Plastic dish set with Ken; juice glasses with Ken, bento box with Ken...
KLINGONS (singing): Ken! Fabulous Ken! Wonderful Ken!
JAMES: ...And a special order from Tatsunoko Productions for a one-half scale statue of Ken crouching heroically.
FAN #2: Have you got anything without Ken?
JAMES: Well, there're two posters with Jun, Joe and Ken, that's not got much Ken in it.
FAN #2: I don't want ANY Ken!
FAN #1: What about that Gatchaman eraser?
FAN #2: THAT'S Ken! Look!
FAN #1: But it's green. Isn't Ryu green or something? I thought Ken was white. Or red.
FAN #2: He's holding a sword, dummy. Only Ken gets to fight with a sword.
KLINGONS: Ken Ken Ken Ken (crescendo through next few lines)
FAN #2: Could you sell me this PVC action figure set without the Ken, then?
JAMES: Urgghh!
FAN #2: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like Ken!
KLINGONS: Fabulous Ken! Wonderful Ken!)
JAMES: Shut up!
KLINGONS: Fabulous Ken! Wonderful Ken!
JAMES: Shut up! (KLINGONS stop) Stupid Klingons! You can't buy the set without the Ken.
FAN #2 (shrieks): I DON'T LIKE KEN!
FAN #1: Sshh, don't cause a fuss. I'll take your Ken. I love Ken--He's the hero. I'm getting the Ken piggy bank, Ken watering can, Ken cell phone strap, tin toy Ken and that cool toy where you hang Ken from the ceiling from a string and turn on a propeller on his butt.
KLINGONS (singing): Ken Ken Ken Ken. Fabulous Ken! Wonderful Ken!
JAMES: Shut up!! I'm letting that go for a steal.
FAN #1: So what's the total, then?
JAMES: You mean for the Ken watering can, the Ken piggy bank, the tin toy Ken, the flying Ken, the Ken--(but it is too late and the KLINGONS drown out his words)
KLINGONS (singing elaborately): Ken Ken Ken Ken. Fabulous Ken! Wonderful Ken! Ken Ke-e-e-e-e-en Ken Ke-e-e-e-e-an Ken. Wonderful Ken! Fabulous Ken! Heroic Ken! Fantastic Ken! Ubiquitous Ken! Ken Ken Ken Ken!
Two women dressed in nun's habits march up to the con table. One is pulling a wagon carrying a large stake and some firewood. The other is holding a thick book with the words, "OFFICIAL SCRIPTS" and the Tatsunoko emblem in gold on the cover.
The KLINGONS stop singing. Ominous fanfare sounds.
NUN #2 (chanting): Homina, homina, domine Gatchaman script immaculata....
NUN #1: NO ONE expects the Fannish Imposition!
FANS and KLINGONS stare at them politely.
NUN #1: Er, didn't you hear me? I said NO ONE--
NUN #2: This isn't the Top Cow lunch table?
JAMES: No. Sorry.
NUN #1: Drat. NUNS march off.
NUN #2 says: Told you we should have looked for the udder banner.
NUN #1: Or posters for udderly bad comics. Or heroines with huge?
NUN #2: Watch it. You'll be saying two dozen "Hail Tatsuo's" for that one.
COW (Offscreen): MOOOOOOO!
SUBTITLE: "IT'S..."
THE END