Ken and Joe at the Movies by Susan Bartholomew
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Utoland TV Presents...

TITLE GRAPHIC: yellow background, title across the top, Ken and Joe's non-birdstyle heads at the bottom. Ken is smiling blandly, Joe has a feather shuriken in his mouth. Tinkly piano rendition of 'Hooray for Hollywood'.


(lights come up on the movie review set: raised dais with two director's chairs, large prop strip of film hanging behind them. Two decorative standing kleig lights in background.
Joe and Ken are seated in the chairs, in their civilian clothes. Ken is sitting very formally, hands folded, legs crossed. Joe is rather sprawled in his chair and holds a half-empty bottle of Red Dog.)

JOE:Hey, how's it hangin', I'm Joe Asakura-

KEN: And I'm Ken Washio, and I'd like to welcome you to our show, where we review the latest American films. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for our recent three-week absence, and to state that it was due to personal matters and NOT to the huge rampaging puppy mecha that devastated half of Utoland and killed thousands of people, threatening at last the very security of the entire planet, which was finally stopped by that incredible Science Ninja Team Gatchaman.

JOE: Puppies-uuurgh. (takes huge swig out of bottle)

KEN: I'd also like to apologize for the dim lighting this week, as Joe has unfortunately developed a strange aversion to bright lights. Now my partner leads off with our first film, "My Best Friend's Wedding".

JOE: Thanks, you bastard. OK, this film stars Julia Roberts as a woman trying to stop this guy from marrying this other girl. I didn't like this movie cuz it was totally unrealistic in several ways: first, there was not one decent explosion, and second, none of the women turn out to be robots or try to kill the guy.

KEN: I think that kind of stuff only happens to you, Joe.

JOE:Yeah? Well, what'd you think, Mr. Normal Stable Relationship?

KEN: I agree that it was unrealistic, but only because the guy was looking for a wife in the first place. Relationships only get in the way of a man's true duty to defend the security of the world from rampaging mechas and distract him from his real responsibility to his job. Women just get in the way.

JOE: Yeah, well, what about Jun, then?

KEN: (pause) Jun's a woman?

JOE: You're a dead man, Ken. "Kay, our next flick is the new Disney film "Hercules", which is about the ancient Greek superhero. I thought this film sucked, too, although the monsters at the end were cool, even if they didn't have machine guns mounted on their shoulders. Plain fact is, Hercules thinks he's some bad-ass superhero, but he has no secret identity, no cool toys to cream the bad guys with, and wears the exact same outfit when he's fighting as when he's at home. Dumb bastard. (takes another drink)

KEN: Well, Joe, I again agree with you that this film was disappointing, although my quibble was with the drawing. Hercules does not look like an action hero. He has no neck, his torso is huge, and he's too bulky. As we all know, true superheroes are slim and evenly proportioned. I found the bizarre artwork to be completely unrealistic, if not downright disturbing, especially when the characters did unusual things like talk and move at the same time. And the actors' words and mouth movements actually matched up, a feature which I found very distracting.

JOE: The chick was cute, but I got enough problems.

KEN: Our final film is "Men in Black", starring Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. This is a wonderfully accurate film about a man's devotion to his cause and the irresistible and overriding emotion of duty. I am pleased to report that the filmmakers did an excellent job of portraying the subject realistically, as there is not one major female part in this picture, thus sparing the men from unnecessary distractions from their sworn duties.

JOE: This flick rocked for me, too, tho at first I was kinda disappointed cuz there weren't very many explosions, but then they hauled out these badass guns and I thought, "Shit, this is my kinda movie." Then at the end there's this honking big badass explosion that made up for the lack of anything blowing up earlier. Guess we both agree on all our films, Ken, so we won't be beating each other up this week.

KEN: I think we satisfied our audience's bloodlust with that altercation over "Austin Powers"...

(Suddenly Joe grabs his head, shrieks and spins violently out of his chair, crashing to the ground off-camera, where his gurgling and flailing continue to be heard. Ken looks startled and concerned; the screen is filled with a "Please Stand By" sign)

KEN: Um, okay, Joe's taking a break now, so I'd like to remind our viewers to tune in next week for our monthly edition of "Katse's Klassics". This month our special guest Berg Katse takes a look at one of his favorite classic movies, "The Crying Game".

(The sign disappears. Joe is back at his seat, disheveled; his shirt has been turned completely around.)

JOE: Uh, sorry about that, uh, guys, just a delayed reaction to "The Beautician and the Beast"...

(a very faint explosion is heard. No reaction from Ken or Joe.)

KEN: OK, let's review our opinions of the films we looked at this week...

(close-up of a picture of Julia Roberts tacked to a wall appears) KEN: Neither of us liked "My Best Friend's Wedding", starring Julia Roberts...

(A feather shuriken zips in from off-camera, burying itself between Julia's eyes)

(Similar picture of Disney's Hercules, preferably a goofy-looking one)

JOE: We both thought "Hercules" also blowed...

(Hercules gets a feather shuriken between the eyes as well)

(Similar picture of Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith in "Men in Black" pose)

KEN: But we each loved "Men in Black", starring Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, so it gets the coveted "Golden Shuriken"...

(Tommy and Will each get a golden shuriken between the eyes)

(Cut back to Ken and Joe)

(Another faint explosion, slightly louder. Neither of them notices.)

KEN: And now here's Joe with K and J's Video Pick of the Week.

JOE: K and J's Video Pick of the Week is the musical "Evita", starring that randy babe Madonna. I thought this was a good flick, if only cuz it's the first one I've seen in a long time where the chick DOES turn out to be a robot. Well, okay, they never actually SAY she's a robot, but I think her acting implies it pretty damn heavily. And I know we don't usually do this with the videos, but cuz we've had so many requests...

(Close-up shot of Madonna picture on the wall. It is immediately peppered with a mass of shuriken. The camera returns to Joe and Ken.)

KEN: Thank you, Joe. This concludes this week's show.

(Louder explosion. Lights rock a bit. Startled, Joe glances off. Ken doesn't move but his eyes dart a bit nervously.)

KEN: Uh-next week, along with Berg Katse (louder explosion: one of the standing kleig lights totters, then crashes to the floor) we'll be looking at the film career of Jackie Chan (muffled thumping from outside, more explosions, one half of the film strip prop detaches and the strip starts to swing around) and review his latest movie, "The Stunt That Almost Killed Me". (Their wrist communicators go off)

(Address card flashes on the screen)

JOE: (barely heard above cacophony of explosions and mechanical roars) Anyone wantin' to send us their comments can contact our bad asses at:

Ken and Joe At The Movies
1500 Cover Job Ave
Alibi City, Utoland, 24601

(Long, noisy pause. Address card finally disappears to reveal wrecked set. The camera is now at a distinct tilt and the overhead lights are now wildly swaying. Ken and Joe, now in Birdstyle, sit amid the carnage. Joe still clutches the beer bottle. The outside explosions continue.)

KEN: Hi, I'm Gatchaman. Ken and Joe had to leave, so they asked us to tell our-uh, their viewers to grab their radios, get in their cellars and cover their heads until this latest threat to global security passes.

JOE: See ya next week, maybe. (Takes a drink) Shit, this job is gonna kill me. ..

(Ken and Joe At The Movies graphic fills the screen, so we no longer see the set. Tinkly movie-show music. Under it all we still hear them moving around, knocking over chairs, more explosions, etc. Ken's wrist communicator beeps loudly)

KEN: We're coming, goddammit!

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